It seems that there are two ends of the spectrum when it comes to the mythology surrounding stepfamilies. There's either the wicked stepmother of fairytale fame or the impossibly perky Brady Bunch effortlessly blending together on TVLand.

Obviously, reality lies somewhere in the middle. Whether or not they have children of their own, new stepparents often go out of their way to be the nicest adult in an extended, multi-parent family. But they may also become frustrated if a harmonious household doesn't come together quite as quickly as they'd hoped.

According to the Stepfamily Association of America, it takes a good seven years for a stepfamily to feel like a "real" family. "Most new stepparents want to get things started off perfectly from the very beginning, and they expect too much too soon," says Kenneth Buhr, Ph.D., a marriage and family therapist in San Diego, Calif.

This desire for a happy family unit as soon as possible sets stepparents up for failure and may contribute to the fact that most stepfamily divorces occur in the third year. "There's so much going on when two families first merge," from combining households to setting up routines, and there's going to be bumps in the road. "Trust and emotional bonds take time," says Buhr.

Some other points to consider:

• Prepare for a new stepfamily as you would plan a trip to a country where a different language is spoken: read books on the topic, look to professionals for advice and seek out fellow "travelers" who have been there.
• Discuss what the future holds with your kids (and those of your future spouse), from housing arrangements to how holidays and vacations with the kids' other parents will be managed. The unknown is always scarier than the known.
• Realize that initially both you and stepchildren may actually be experiencing the same feelings: Does she like me? Will she treat me well? Where do I fit in?
• Understand that older children, from tweens on up, can be ambivalent about everything; they may love you one minute and hate you the next. Don't take it personally. Raging hormones and outside social pressures manifest behavior that usually has little to do with you or your role or ability as a stepparent, and everything to do with emotional development
• Take that honeymoon. Some stepparents will forego that luxury, but it's important to tend to the marriage. It's easy to get wrapped up in making sure the kids are adjusting and forget about why you became a new family to begin with. Happy parents make a happy home.

Stepgrandparents and the nurturing they bring to a family are often a positive force. However, holidays can be very intimidating for stepchildren who find themselves among an extended clan of people they don't know. Consider starting holiday traditions within your newly formed family that include only very close relatives and forego the big celebrations with dozens of cousins.

If you are a "weekend stepparent" or don't have children of your own, and your stepchildren don't live with you full-time, the best thing is to be yourself and not take on a new role/persona just for their visit. When you are at ease, the whole family is more likely to be comfortable.

It's a challenge for busy families to find time to talk," says Buhr. "But, open and frequent communication is the most important aspect of merging families."